Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Cap'n Crunch Thinks You're Too Cheery

So even though I’m not even close to finished whining about it and I don’t have a really good alternative subject all mapped out, I’ve decided that stories about my recent vacation must come to a timely end. This is partly because I’ve been scanning my brain for another interesting story that was also not too embarrassing given that I am very vulnerable to parent/work exposure on this blog, and it just wasn’t working out.

I still have plenty of non work/parent friendly stories, mind you, but alas, they do me no good given the above. I also realized that seven of my thirteen posts so far have been about that trip. Mind you, I started my blog on July 8th, so there hasn’t been a lot of time to talk about the other things going on in my life, but still, I’m beginning to feel a little bit like that weirdo cousin you’ve got who insists on showing you ALL of his pictures from his trip to Prague, which feature nearly forty shots of the airplane wing alone!

So here I am, about to Change The Subject. Not to anything very interesting, you understand, but here comes a Change Of Subject nonetheless, like it or not, it’s my blog not yours, neener neener.

I am not a fan of waking up.

Being awake, sure, I’m all for that. It’s very difficult to have any fun if you’re asleep. It’s really a major bummer that we have to piss away a third of our lives in such a fashion. I could see an eighth or so. That would be fair. Maybe a full night every once in awhile, like if you’ve been going through a fraternity hazing for the past week. But a third on a regular basis? That’s a pretty massive slice of our time that could be used for much more productive activity. Imagine all we could do if we didn't need so much sleep. At the very least we could have a lot more sex.

Anyway, being awake = good thing. Usually. But the whole waking-up process kind of sucks. I’m not a fan (most insomniacs aren’t), even when I’m waking up in order to do something fun.

Ways To Make My Waking Up Process More Fun, Should You Be So Inclined:

-Announce to me in a loud but not oppressive voice that I have 1) won the lottery, 2) a totally spontaneous date with Johnny Depp tonight, 3) an unscheduled day off from work, 4) a bucket of roses outside my door along with a very mysterious card, 5) suddenly become blessed with perfect pitch overnight, 6) a publisher on the phone who’s very interested in my book, or 7) had a flask of Harry Potter’s Felix Felicis potion delivered overnight, good for 24 hours only. All of these would be good, one a day might be nice. Don’t be afraid to add your own! Variation and creativity are important in the relationship I assume we have if you’re concerned about making my mornings a happier place to be.

-Configure some kind of contraption that enables me to shower in bed. Nothing like a nice hot shower to wake up. This one would be good on weekends only, particularly in combo with rainy weather. During the week, I shower at night. It’s a good rule. It’s been working.

-Place a cute puppy on my chest. It will have to be a toy puppy (the breed, not the stuffed animal), or else I will get very sick and allergic and I’ll stay like that all day and then I’ll want to murder you. Also, you have to take the puppy away at some point. I don’t want to keep it. And make sure it doesn’t pee on me. You know what, maybe it should be a stuffed animal after all.

-Give me an elaborate breakfast in bed. I’m a vegetarian who loves sausage. See if you can go ahead and reconcile those two. In the event of success, I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always.

-Tickle me. There is definitely a right and wrong way to do this, and the wrong way will leave you counting in base nine. It should not be attempted by amateurs.

-Do something funny, like dance a jig, or put on something funny. A comedy show, a favorite silly song, a strategically placed smiley face, etc. Anything that encourages audience participation, i.e. me getting up, is a good way to go.

So there you have it. LS-specific tips of the trade. If you are not a fan of the disturbingly regular occurrence we like to call dawn either, well, then I guess we’re both up the creek, because I sure as hell would never be alert enough in the morning to attempt any of this.

22 comments:

No-omi said...

It's MrsJWine here, if you're wondering.

So... I've been wondering where you went. For like a week. And then! I remembered! You now have a blog. And I remember how last time I tried to come visit, my computer flipped out and wouldn't let me, and I never got around to bookmarking you. And then I forgot because my brain can't hold onto anything for more than 32 seconds.

Anyway, just thought I'd say hi. Now I will read.

Lady Snark said...

I do indeed have a blog, and I am delighted that my role model for all things funny has decided to check in on it!

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