CCS, Edition One: Questionable Theology

As I mentioned last week, due to my wretchedly busy schedule (which isn't really all that wretched at all; I am quite enjoying it) I will not be posting much this month, and since I wasn't exactly breaking records in this department to begin with, I figure that on the somewhat rare occasions this month that I do post, I should have something a lot funnier than my own drivel to entertain you. I am sure we're all thinking of the same obvious source of this hilarity: the church.

Now, I know what you're going to say: It's not very nice to make fun of a thousands-of-years-old institution that has brought us such fine figures as George W. Bush and Shirley Phelps-Roper, not to put too fine a point on it. And you are right, of course.

But I simply cannot resist when they make it this easy. And I am not alone in this. Thus, with all due credit to Crummy Church Signs, which has made my workdays so much more pleasant and abdominal-muscle-surgery-inducing than they would have otherwise been, I will now share with you some of my personal favorites from his website. I've got a bunch, so this will likely be the first of four or five installments.

Not wanting to make this a completely Lady-Snark-free post, let me assure you that all sarcastic comments on these signs are my own. Joel's original commentaries are plenty funny as well, and I highly recommend that you spend some quality time with his site.

Without further ado...

A Step By Step Tutorial:

Step One: Love God and live a really good life...

Fake it till you make it. Arr.

Normally, we worship Satan. But we like to mix it up a little.

Think awful thoughts however, and they will cast you into hell.

Tamie, I just thought you'd like to know that you've been leaving out a word. It's soooooo much more sincere this way.

After death, they sink into a deep depression.

Way to hedge your bets there, First Pentecostal Holiness Church.

THE FOLLOWING SIGNS HAD NO PICTURE:

"Live Drive-Thru Crucifixion. March 31-April 1, 7-9pm"

Yeah, I'll have the two-for-one nail-through-the-hand special with ketchup down my side and an extra large Chalice please.

"Salvation: Apply Within"

Please allow four to six weeks for your application to be processed. We regret that there are only six open slots at this time and encourage candidates who are not selected to reapply next year.

"After the darkest night, perhaps the brightest dawn."

But you never know. Perhaps the even darker morning.

"When you step out, God steps in."

And he turns your life around (no thanks to chickenshit you)... that's what it's all about.

Clap clap.