Friday, September 19, 2008

No Sleep Till Brooklyn*

I can’t sleep!

*This is a song title, and not reflective of any sincere belief on my part that things would improve if I were to visit Brooklyn. If anything, the guns and drug lords would make it more difficult for me to sleep.

I have insomnia, and it’s been getting worse lately. Quite frequently I will bolt awake at four in the morning completely convinced that the house-size green elephants who were chasing me with pepper spray and handcuffs really caught me and now I am done for.

And some nights, I can’t get to sleep at all. I discover my blankets on the floor as often as not because I am an eggbeater with an attitude problem once I get horizontal, and this goes into hyperdrive when I am lying awake.

Possible Causes Of This Disorder That Is Making Me Feel Like A Character In A Scary Stephen King Novel:

-I have read too many scary Stephen King novels in my lifetime. Which is to say, two or three. I’m kind of a wuss like that.

-I am stressed out, something that could easily be remedied with a few pretty Italian boys to give me aromatherapy massages around the clock (in shifts, okay, I’m not a total despot—that’s why there are several of them).

-Too much meth abuse. I knew I should have been more wary of that cross-country truck driver and his “candy.”

-Estrogen. This is what I get for being a woman. Thanks a lot for not controlling my gender, Mom.

-Sleeping at odd hours. So falling asleep at work is a bad idea? That’s what you’re telling me?

-The government is testing a top-secret torture weapon on me that wakes people up as soon as they fall asleep for no discernible reason**

Possible Effects Of This Disorder:

-**Paranoia, but I’m sure I don’t have that.

-Hallucinations. Those damn green elephants. I thought that was a dream.

-Impaired functionality during daytime hours. “Oh hi… this is [Lady Snark]. Wait a sec… I didn’t mean to call you.”

-Eventual death. Well, we all have to go somehow.

This is, in a word, not fun.

Okay, so that’s two words.

Give me a break, I’m really sleepy.

4 comments:

K.R. said...

You forgot the obvious one: Alcohol Abuse! Solutions include marrying the amish, declaring yourself a born-again non-drinker or go to AA. I promise, those AA meetings will put you right to sleep!

Mommy bird said...

It sounds like night terrors to me...hmm who would that make you like.....?????

tamie said...

boo insomnia. i've had it, hated it, and completely am with you all the way. best to find those italian boys asap....

or, there are herbal helps. even just taking tylenol PM can help you sleep enough that you un-stress some which can help you sleep for real. maybe?

Lady Snark said...

k.r.... Oh, there's plenty out there that'll put me to sleep. The trouble is getting to sleep at the right TIME...

mom... I don't know, who? :-)

tamie... Yes, I will soon be resorting to drugs. But trying the boys first :-)