Shoo Fly, Or There Will Be Serious Consequences

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Nice sound, right? Kind of like if a chain saw was a musical instrument that only played one note. Now add the weird light smacking noise that comes from an insect flopping back and forth between blinds like a Pong ball, and you’ve got yourself a regular orchestra my friend.

I don’t know what this insect was. A mosquito, possibly, or a really oddly-shaped praying mantis. A flying cockroach—look, it was big and it was loud and it was in my room last night. That is all you need to know.

I keep my apartment meticulously neat. Not on the order of Monk or anything, but I like things generally orderly and pleasing to the eye and un-smelly. I find it incredibly unfair that I still get bugs even with all my preventive measures, which do include exorcism.

But alas, bugs are a part of city life (if I recall correctly, they are also a part of suburban life, even in my mother’s surgically clean kitchen, so there’s basically no cure for this atrocious aspect of sentience). I do the traps (ick). I do the sprays. I even specially request that the person who fumigates our building come and do my room separately twice a month. I never leave food out and I put everything that could be remotely considered food inside my fridge, unless they are unopened and basically impenetrable, like soup cans.

And still I cannot escape them. So be it.

The cacophony started around 2:30 am this morning. I was awake, which is unusual even for me, but I was having a conversation with someone via text message. Before I knew it, the lovely symphony described above was all I could focus on. It started in low, then it started to grow, as Mr. Grinch would say.

I did not have my contacts in, and I was half asleep. I knew that my chances of hitting this tiny mutant were slim to none, and I was “too tired to care.” So I decided to ignore it.

Which I did, for about 30 seconds. Then I could stand no more.

How did I rectify my vision/alertness problem?

I didn’t even try to aim.

I pulled the blinds up.

Reallyreallyfast.

Let’s just say there was a crunch and then a thud and now the problem is no more.